I Should Be Happier": Understanding and Overcoming the Guilt of Not Feeling Okay

How to overcome feelings of guilt?

Do you ever look at your life – perhaps you have a decent job, a loving family, or good health – and think, "I have so much to be grateful for, I should be happier," yet a persistent sense of unease, sadness, or anxiety lingers? This feeling, often accompanied by guilt, is surprisingly common.

The Tyranny of "Shoulds"

The word "should" is often a red flag for unrealistic expectations or self-judgment. When we tell ourselves we "should be happier," we're often:

• Comparing Ourselves to Others: Social media, in particular, presents curated highlight reels that can make us feel like everyone else has it all figured out and is blissfully happy.

• Invalidating Our Own Feelings: We dismiss our genuine emotional experience because it doesn't match an idealized state.

• Setting Unrealistic Expectations for Happiness: Happiness isn't a constant state. It's normal to experience a full range of emotions, including sadness, anger, and anxiety. Believing we "should" be happy all the time is a recipe for disappointment.

• Internalizing Societal Pressure: There's a strong cultural narrative that equates success and a "good life" with constant, visible happiness.

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This "should" creates an internal conflict: your actual emotional state versus your perceived correct emotional state. The gap between the two often breeds guilt.

Why Do We Feel Guilty for Not Feeling Okay?

Guilt in this context is often a secondary emotion – a feeling about a feeling. It can stem from:

• Perceived Failure: Feeling like you're failing at being happy, especially if you believe you have "no reason" to feel otherwise.

• Fear of Burdening Others: Not wanting to bring others down with your "negativity."

• Self-Blame: Believing your unhappiness is a personal flaw or weakness.

• Lack of Self-Compassion: Difficulty extending kindness and understanding to yourself when you're struggling.

  
  

Dr. Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), emphasized how irrational beliefs, particularly "musts" and "shoulds" (he called this "musterbation"), lead to emotional disturbance. Believing you must be happy because your external circumstances seem good is a prime example.

The Importance of Self-Validation and Acceptance

The antidote to this guilt isn't to try harder to "be happy." It's to:

1. Acknowledge and Validate Your True Feelings: Whatever you're feeling is okay. Give yourself permission to feel sad, anxious, or discontented without judgment. Your emotions are signals, providing information about your inner state or unmet needs.

2. Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you'd offer a friend who was struggling, regardless of their external circumstances.

3. Challenge the "Shoulds": Question the validity of the belief that you "should" feel a certain way. Where did this belief come from? Is it truly helpful?

4. Explore Underlying Reasons: Sometimes, even with "good" external circumstances, there can be underlying reasons for discontent – unmet psychological needs, unresolved past issues, lack of meaning or purpose, or even the early signs of a mental health condition like depression or anxiety.

   
   

It's Okay Not To Be Okay: Finding Your Authentic Path

Giving yourself permission to not feel okay, especially when you think you "should," is a radical act of self-acceptance. It opens the door to genuine self-understanding and allows you to address what's truly going on, rather than just trying to paint a happy face over deeper discomfort. This is where true emotional well-being begins.

In a Safe Space, Your Feelings Are Always Valid.

If you're wrestling with the guilt of not feeling okay, or if the pressure to "be happier" is weighing you down, please know that your experience is valid and you don't have to navigate it in isolation. What if you could talk about these feelings without judgment, explore where they come from, and find healthier ways to relate to your inner world?

Therapy-Chats offers a 24/7 compassionate ear and evidence-based guidance. Our therapists are here to create a safe space where all your feelings are welcome. We can help you unpack the "shoulds," cultivate self-acceptance, and explore pathways to genuine well-being, whatever that looks like for you. You deserve to feel understood, starting now.